20 Popular Funny Speeches About Life

funny speeches

Speeches are rather boring. But some can be quite interesting, inspirational, life changing, and in some cases—hilarious. We have compiled funny speeches about life by famous celebrities, businessmen, and famous personalities. Enjoy reading!

1. Ellen DeGeneres at Tullane University

funny speeches

“And I really, I had no ambition, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I did everything from — I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought I’d just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn’t really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I’m saying is, when you’re older, most of you will be gay.”

2. Aaron Sorkin at Syracuse University

“You’re a group of incredibly well-educated dumb people. I was there. We all were there. You’re barely functional. There are some screw-ups headed your way. I wish I could tell you that there was a trick to avoiding the screw-ups, but the screw-ups, they’re a-coming for ya. It’s a combination of life being unpredictable, and you are being super dumb.”

3. Neil Gaiman at the University of the Arts in Philadelphia

“Sometimes life is hard. Things go wrong — and in life, and in love, and in business, and in friendship, and in health, and in all the other ways in which life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do: Make good art. I’m serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by a mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Someone on the Internet thinks what you’re doing is stupid, or evil, or it’s all been done before? Make good art.”

4. Ira Glass at Goucher

“It’s normal to feel lost for a little while. Finding what you want to do next is a job.”

5. Arnold Schwarzenneger at Emory

“It is an honor to stand before you here and receive this Honorary Doctorate of Laws degree. It is my first Law degree. And finally, finally the Kennedys will think that I am successful. And finally Maria can take me home to meet her family — finally.”


6. Jodie Foster at University of Pennsylvania

funny speeches

“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment. You own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”

7. Jane Lynch at Smith College

“If life gives you lemons, grab it by the horns and drive. Yes I just mixed three metaphors, remember I was a ‘C’ student.”

8.  John Stewart at William & Mary

“When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me, from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better.”

9. Dolly Parton at  University of Tennessee at Knoxville

“Now I usually try not to give advice. Information, yes, advice, no. But, what has worked for me may not work for you. Well, take for instance what has worked for me. Wigs. Tight clothes. Push up bras. High heel shoes, 5-inch high heel shoes. All I gotta say, take my advice, some of you boys out there may find yourself on a little different career path than you might have planned. And you girls better be careful, too, seriously.”

10. Jean Cocteau

“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you dislike?”

11. Steve Carrell at Princeton University

funny speeches

“My parents had worked extraordinarily hard to give me a great education, and I felt that I owed them some sort of valid career choice. So I sat down with my folks, and asked them what they thought, and they proceeded to give me the best advice that I had ever received, or would ever receive. Their words were profound, wise, and they completely altered the rest of my life. They said something like ‘blah, blah, blah, follow your dreams, blah, blah, blah.’ I don’t remember exactly what it was, but I didn’t go to law school.”

12. Jane Lynch at Smith College

“My counsel to you is this. Don’t have a plan. Plans are for wusses. You are obviously good planners or you wouldn’t be here. Stop it now! Don’t deprive yourself of the exciting journey of your life can be when you relinquish the need to have goals and a blueprint.”

13. Brian Williams at George Washington University

“You don’t actually have to build a rocket and take us into space but please, take us somewhere. Please keep us moving, push us, lift us up, make us better.”

14. Andy Samberg at Harvard University

“… In the end, I feel like I am only truly qualified to give you three tips on how to succeed in life. 1) Cut a hole in a box. 2) But in your junk in said box. 3) Make her (or him) open the box. And that’s the way you do it.”

15. Bill Gates at Harvard

funny speeches

“I’ve been waiting more than 30 years to say this: “Dad, I always told you I’d come back and get my degree.’ I want to thank Harvard for this timely honor. I’ll be changing my job next year; and it will be nice to finally have a college degree on my resume.”

16.Jon Stewart at College of William and Mary

“I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates–who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that, in truth, has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless–will join in congratulating me. Love what you do and get good at it:”

17.Stephen Colbert at Knox College

“I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.”

18.Ellen DeGeneres at Tulane

“Life is like a one big Mardi Gras but instead of showing your boobs show people your brain and if they like what they see you’ll have more beads than you’ll know what do with.”

19.Dolly Parton at University of Tennessee

“What has worked for me may not work for you. Well, take for instance what has worked for me. Wigs.Tight clothes. Push up bras. High heel shoes, five inch high heel shoes. All I gotta say, take my advice and some of you boys out there may find yourself on a little different career path than you might have planned. And you girls better be careful, too, seriously.”


20.Kermit the Frog at Southampton College

funny speeches

“On behalf of frogs, fish, pigs, bears and all of the other species who are lower   than you on the food chain, thank you for dedicating your lives to saving our world and our home. In the words of my cousin, Newt — no, not that Newt, this is another Newt — “We appreciate what you are doing more than you can even imagine.” And so I say to you, the 1996 graduates of Southampton Graduate Campus, you are no longer tadpoles. The time has come for you to drop your tails and leave this swamp. But I am sure that wherever I go as I travel around the world, I will find each and every one of you working your tails off to save other swamps and give those of us who live there a chance to survive. We love you for it.”

How about you? What are the popular funny speeches about life that made an impact for you so far?


Be the first to comment on "20 Popular Funny Speeches About Life"

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.